I love my family but most of the time I do not feel like I can be a 100 percent myself. I have baggage. They know I have depression, but I do not think they know how deep it goes. Sometimes, I still feel like I would be better off not here. I don’t want to tell my family that because all they want is for me to be happy. Especially my father. I’m his only daughter and the youngest child. I am 22, just starting my life and my brothers already have their lives figured out.
I don’t want them to look at me like I am crazy. My brother does not even believe in me being depressed and does not approve of me taking medication. When the loneliness gets bad, the feelings get bad and I feel like taking a razor blade to my wrist like so many others times. I haven’t cut for about a year, but I am always tempted. I have a tattoo by the scars. It says fighter. It reminds me of the times where I tried to end everything, but just stood up and lived.
I do not want to be depressed. It is an illness. It is a mental illness and it is scary as hell because so many times I don’t see the point. Irwin really helped. I was put on medication and got help because of him and not being able to talk to him is hard. I try to talk to him now, but he never answers. I feel like he is glad I am no longer in his life. I just want to be in his life and when I am in LA, I want to see him. I miss him. I know he is angry that I left and changed the plan; our life plan but he knew from the beginning that I needed a life of adventure and I did not want to live in LA. He changed the plan too.
This mental illness invades my brain and sometimes, I can not even get out of bed. I can’t sleep. My brain won’t turn off and the only joy I have is living in Paris and my animals. They are my strength.
I am the child of two addicts but thankfully, I did not inherit that gene of addiction. Addiction comes from the latin word “bound to” from when the Roman’s would speak of slaves. I did inherit my mother’s weakness. She suffered from depression from the time that I was a week old. She broke me at an early age. I did not get the love I needed from the one person who is supposed to love me. I have overcome so much.
I am a fighter. I will overcome my mental illness. One day at a time.