Mental Illness

I love my family but most of the time I do not feel like I can be a 100 percent myself. I have baggage. They know I have depression, but I do not think they know how deep it goes. Sometimes, I still feel like I would be better off not here. I don’t want to tell my family that because all they want is for me to be happy. Especially my father. I’m his only daughter and the youngest child. I am 22, just starting my life and my brothers already have their lives figured out.

I don’t want them to look at me like I am crazy. My brother does not even believe in me being depressed and does not approve of me taking medication. When the loneliness gets bad, the feelings get bad and I feel like taking a razor blade to my wrist like so many others times.  I haven’t cut for about a year, but I am always tempted. I have a tattoo by the scars. It says fighter. It reminds me of the times where I tried to end everything, but just stood up and lived.

I do not want to be depressed. It is an illness. It is a mental illness and it is scary as hell because so many times I don’t see the point. Irwin really helped. I was put on medication and got help because of him and not being able to talk to him is hard. I try to talk to him now, but he never answers. I feel like he is glad I am no longer in his life. I just want to be in his life and when I am in LA, I want to see him. I miss him. I know he is angry that I left and changed the plan; our life plan but he knew from the beginning that I needed a life of adventure and I did not want to live in LA. He changed the plan too.

This mental illness invades my brain and  sometimes, I can not even get out of bed. I can’t sleep. My brain won’t turn off and the only joy I have is living in Paris and my animals. They are my strength.

I am the child of two addicts but thankfully, I did not inherit that gene of addiction. Addiction comes from the latin word “bound to” from when the Roman’s would speak of slaves. I did inherit my mother’s weakness. She suffered from depression from the time that I was a week old. She broke me at an early age. I did not get the love I needed from the one person who is supposed to love me. I have overcome so much.

I am a fighter. I will overcome my mental illness. One day at a time.

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About Flora Cross

21 year old actress and teacher. Born in Paris and raised around the world. Have lived in Panama, Haiti, Ukraine, Argentina, Israel, New York, and Los Angeles for the last nine years. Want to become a teacher for children with special needs. Loved education and life. Loves literature music and anything artistic. Moving to Paris. Favorite Musicians: Janis Joplin, The Civil Wars, Ray Charles, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Amy Winehouse, Adele, The Pretty Reckless, Birdy, Bastille, Miley Cyrus, Lorde, Macklemore, Idina Menzel, Avicii, A Great Big World, Passenger, Pink and The Beatles. Flora played the lead role of Eliza in the 2005 film Bee Season, opposite Richard Gere, Juliette Binoche and Max Minghella. She auditioned for the part shortly before moving to Argentina, where she was living when offered the role. Her next role was playing the eccentric daughter of Jennifer Jason Leigh's character in director Noah Baumbach's critically acclaimed Margot at the Wedding. In the film she worked alongside actors Nicole Kidman, Jack Black, John Turturro, and fellow teen actor Zane Pais. Flora plays the co-starring role of Cynthia in the upcoming film "Chlorine" (currently in post-production), written and directed by Jay Alaimo. The film also stars Kyra Sedgwick and Vincent D'Onofrio as Cynthia's troubled parents, and Ryan Donowho as her eccentric brother.
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2 Responses to Mental Illness

  1. Dave Biedermann says:

    you are strong! I have faith in you!

    Like

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