Later this month, will be 3 months since I ended the little relationship I had with my mother. I gave her a choice and she chose a man over her own daughter. She has done this my whole life. It was either men or drugs. Sometimes both.
I feel conflicted about it. I know that I made the right choice for myself but, I still feel guilty because I cut her out. I am not going to change my decision. For so many years, she disappointed me and hurt me. When I gave her that ultimatum, it was the first time since I was a kid where I opened myself up to her and when she said “okay. thanks. bye.” It broke my heart and I will never go through that again with her.
A mother is never supposed to break their own daughter’s heart, but protect her from that. Sue has always been my mother in every possible except for the giving birth to me. She has always been there for me and I know always will be.
I forgive my mother for everything she has done to me and to my father. I forgive her for taking drugs while nursing me. I forgive her for trying to stop me from speaking. I forgive her for messing with my mental development. I forgive her for leaving when I was 5. I forgive her for calling the cops on my father. I forgive her for never trying to see me even though my father offered, I forgive her for never telling me exactly what happened, I forgive her for being an alcoholic and drug addict, I forgive her for getting drunk when she came to visit for my graduation, and I forgive her for not being the mother I should have had because I deserved better.
I am sorry to her that she will never know her grandchildren, but how can I let her ever be near them after what she has done to me? Maybe, I will send her pictures, but she will never meet them.
She once told me that maybe she would be a better grandmother than mother. I can not take that risk. My children will never be disappointed by her. If they ask about their grandmother, I will tell them that she never had an important part in my life and it is for their own good. I would never be able to trust her with them. I know I can with my father.
I was not raised by her. I was raised by an amazing father who showed me the world and by another amazing man, Harley. Harley gave me stability and a normal life. They both made sure I had an amazing future . If I ever need them, they are always there for me. I owe them everything. Even though, I did not grow up with a mother, I had so many woman who took care of me like I was their own daughter. For example, Sue. And even before Sue, I had Maria Eugenia and Barbara in Argentina. And many more.
I once had a psychologist in New York who told my father that she understood a mother leaving a child but she could not understand a mother leaving me. I don’t know how she could leave me because I could never leave my child. Just thinking about leaving Mila or Wilson is impossible to me.
I am going to do amazing things with my life. I am going to change some lives in Haiti. I am thankful to her for giving birth to me because we both know she did not do anything else. Everything I will do in my future is thanks to my father, my brothers and Sue.
I have finally let go of the past with my mother and it feels amazing. I have a mother, but no relationship with her and nothing is tying me back to her anymore. I have an amazing family and I love them with all my heart.