Most people in my life know that I have no relationship with my mother. Mother’s day has always been hard for me. It is a reminder of something I do not have or every will. I have no mother. Of course, there is a woman out there who gave birth to me, but she is not my mother. I am thankful that I am alive because of her, but that is all.
I have no relationship with her. Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate what your mother means to you and show your appreciation of them. I can’t do that and never could. My mother never knew how to love anyone, especially me. It is not her fault, but I did deserve better.
My mother is toxic and I had to end my relationship with her for myself. It is exactly what I did in November 2015. It was not the first time I did this. The first time I was seven. But, unlike when I was seven, I will not go back. I will not put myself through that or my future children. They will never know her, which is okay because they will have my father as their grandfather and my brothers as their uncles.
Mother’s day is hard when I see my friends post on Facebook, Instagram and twitter about how much they love their mothers. Seeing that just makes it more clear to me. I never had a relationship with my mother. How could I? She left when I was two and than again, for the final time when I was four or five years old. She broke my heart and hurt me in the worst way possible. A mother is suppose to take care of their child and protect them from pain, not cause it. She also, tried to hurt my father… the one person who was always there to protect me and love me. I can never forgive her for her actions. I accept them, but do not forgive.
One thing she has taught me though is everything I will not do with and to my children. I know that when I do have kids, I will appreciate mother’s day, but for until then… it is a reminder of something I never had.
Thankfully, I had my father who was both father and mother is every way. I love him so much. He supports all my dreams.