The stories always start out the same. There was a boy and girl and they fell in love except in my case, there was no they lived happily ever after. There could have if I stayed. This is my story.
First, let me tell you about myself. I am 22 years old. I was born in Paris but lived around the world with my father. He was a journalist. We lived a very nomadic life, we moved every year to a new country. I moved to California when I was 12 to live with my older brother so I could pursue my acting career. I changed high schools three times. For my junior and senior year, I attended a liberal art school in Santa Monica called New Roads. I loved it, it was the first time that I felt as if I belonged.
Around April 2011, I went to my friends birthday party and i was sitting in the game room. I was a bit shy with people I just met. Even though I was not happy with my relationship at the time, last thing I was, was a cheater. I met Irwin that night. He went to my high school the year before but graduated. His sister always talks about him and how he was mean. She was in my Spanish class. He didn’t look like her at all, he looked white but he was half argentine and half mexican. We talked and he asked me what I wanted to study. At the time, I said filmmaking and he laughed as that was what he wanted to study. We had a lot in common. That was that.
A few weeks later, the end of the school year came and my friend had a pool party which was the end of the year party. He came and I was a lot more outgoing. I remember seeing him and telling him “why didn’t you come over and hug me?” I was sassy and confident with people I knew and liked. My boyfriend was at the party but once he left, I felt better. I knew I was going to break up with him. That night, I knew I liked Irwin. He made me smile and laugh. I remember laying together, cuddling looking at the sky, grabbing his man boob and him grabbing my boobs. That night I realized we had so much in common. We clicked. We liked the same soccer team from Argentina which was not the most popular. That night, he didn’t wanna leave and I didn’t want him to. He wanted to kiss me and I wanted him to but we didn’t as I was still in a relationship. We made a plan to go see a movie in a week.
During that whole week, we talked on iChat for hours and hours. We really got to know each other. I broke up with my boyfriend before hanging out. The hanging out was going to be a date. A few days before going on a date, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. He talked to me while I was recovering. On our date, I still could not eat anything hard so we had pizza. Walked on the beach together. He told me to stop and to close my eyes. He handed me a box. I opened it and it had a little note which I asked will you be my girlfriend? I of course said yes. It was the happiest day of my life. That was June 17th, 2011. He kissed me for the first time right after I said yes. At the time of our relationship, I didn’t have a phone. My brother took it away for something stupid I did. I can’t remember what which is why we had to talk on iChat and Facebook messages. After the beach, we went to see a movie called Super 8. He held me during the whole movie. I had never connected with anyone this fast or this much.
We did a lot of things fun things together. He took me to universal studios for the first time. I watched back to the future for the first time. I was doing summer school so that I didn’t have to take Chemistry during my senior year. After summer school, I was going to go to France for three weeks. I was very excited. We spent July 4th together, we created our own fireworks that night. Everyone could see how how crazy we were about each other.My brother approved which for me was important as what he thought meant the world to me. For our one month, he got me a single rose. It was perfect and beautiful. I loved him. I loved him so much that I could cry,scream it to the world, and whisper it into his ears. He was my heart and soul. He was always there about me. At that point, we had not had sex as Irwin was a virgin and I wasn’t. I wanted to make sure he was ready and he said he was as he completely and absolutely in love with me. We decided on doing it a few days before I left for France. Even though we had not made love, our chemistry was intense.
That day he lost his virginity was special for the both of us. He made me wish I was still a virgin. He was so nervous that I told him for us to go take a walk. We did. We went to Starbucks and after that, he was calm. A few days later, I asked me brother if he knew what happened and he said I’m not stupid. I ways have had an honest relationship with my brother. He was legally my father as he adopted me when I was 14.
That night with Irwin was special. I remember cuddling with him naked, feeling so close. He was my world. I feel complete with him and comfortable. Safe.
While in France, I missed him so much. I sent him postcards. We emailed each other and we sent each other video’s. By our two months, we already knew that we wanted to get married and have kids. He was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My senior started. It was stressful with college applications. He told me not to apply based on us as no matter what we would be together. I applied to only east coast schools. We would fight once in a while because I would doubt him and his love for me. I got accepted to every college I applied to. I decided on going to Sarah Lawrence in New York. I graduated high school June 2012. My family was there and so was Irwin, being proud of me. Moving to New York was hard due to the distance. We spent every free moment texting, calling and video chatting. We sent care packages and any time I had a break… I was home in Los Angeles. Another problem was his sister. I couldn’t stand her. She drove me up the wall. I spent one year at Sarah Lawrence than left due to financial reasons.
Sophomore year for the first semester, I went to Santa Barbara City College. Irwin helped me move in. It was lonely. I got really depressed to the point where I had to be put on antidepressants. I got a puppy that year in October 2013 and I felt better, for a while. Than, one night things went really bad. I called Irwin asking him to pick me up and he did and I stayed at Irwin’s for about two months until I found my own place without telling my brother. His sister and I started being friends. His family was like my family.
Everything was great at first when I got my own place but than I felt like I was not getting enough attention. I was upset but never to the point of wanting to end our relationship. I really did invision a future with him. A family with him. I still do even though I know it won’t ever happen. I come from a father who made me have an exciting life from birth. I had my first passport when I was a week old. I was born in Paris. In the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he would move with me wherever as long as he had me. He changed his mind without ever telling me. In October, I applied to a school in Paris called the American University of Paris. I did not get in but decided to still go. I did not want to resent him but he was angry and he froze me out. Wouldn’t text as much or call as much. It hurt me but what hurt more was him not telling me how he was feeling. I was honest with him about everything.
Its been three months since I moved and I am still grieving and mourning. I miss him and I still love him. I miss the way he used to hold me. Kiss me. The way he made me feel so safe and at peace. I could have stayed in his arms forever. He was an amazing boyfriend. He was perfect for me and it kills me when people say that I deserve better because what I deserve is him. He made me feel loved with full of happiness. With him, I felt confident and beautiful and now, I feel abandoned again. I know I did the leaving but I wanted him to chase me or stop me. He didn’t and he won’t.
He really was my world. He was my life but it was more than the relationship that I miss but the friendship. He doesn’t ever text me first. He barely talks to me and I can’t see my world without him. I just want to be in his life and I don’t want him to shut me out as I am still deeply in love with him.